That's the Way Camp Rolls
by TwistedGreekNerd
Summary: Presenting... three new short stories about the wonderful everyday-ness of Camp Halfblood! Featuring your favorite characters at their dorkiest; it'll make you long for danger and quests, garuanteed!
1. A Reincarnation of Disney

**Hello! This is the first short story in this mini-collection. Leo is a little high (so expect some OOC), Jason has a little problem, and Piper has little mercy. The two Greeks are determined to teach the Roman… how to swim. If you like it, you can tell me (You don't have to, though; it's just common courtesy). If you don't like it, please say with gentle criticism or don't review at all ("if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" Thumper). This story is not to be taken seriously, but I hope you enjoy it. All rights reserved to Rick Riordan and Disney.**

A Reincarnation of Disney

The feelings were generally good and happy all around the arts and craft building. The campers laughed and joked with each other as they painted, colored, sculpted, photo-shopped, and smacked a mess of colors on to a white canvas. Jason Grace sat at the back of the room putting on the finishing touches to his little clay sculpture. The Hermes kids who sat around him had already lost their patience and were stowing away their artworks on the counter in the back of the room. The guest teacher, Rachel Dare, came by to inspect what Jason was up to.

"That's a wonderful piece of abstract art," she said generously.

"Thanks," he answered, unfazed. "I thought it was a nice little birdhouse, too."

"…Okay, then! Well, class, that's it for today. Free time until seven, pizza at dinner, CONNOR STOLL! You stop right there! ART! DESERVES! RESPECT!" She stormed after the art-violator, but Jason continued to work. He kept fiddling with his art while the room emptied. Tomorrow the clay art would be put in the fire to harden. But what was it missing? He snapped his fingers and added a streak of scarlet paint to his globular triangle edged with stick figures.

Just as he got up to set his art with the other clay pieces, a high-pitched exclamation in Spanish was heard just outside the arts and craft building. Leo Valdez, curls flying in every direction, ran into the building as if his imaginary girlfriend's boyfriend was right behind him. However, it was only Piper McLean, a determined look in her eyes, who followed Leo a moment later. In a splendid act of desperation, Leo vaulted over a table, skidded across another, and did an amazing somersault over a bench. His only flaw in the gymnastics performance was when he lost balance after the somersault. Jason had gotten out of the way of the chase, but when Leo tried to regain his balance, he grabbed for his friend, knocked him and his clay artwork to the ground, lost his balance again, and crashed on top of Jason anyway. Piper tried to stop mid-run, but she got caught by one of Leo's waving limbs, and fell on top of the boys.

"Ow!" Piper moaned. "Leo, watch it."

"You're crushing me!" Leo retorted.

"My ashtray," Jason mourned, and then added, "GET OFF!"

The three friends spent a few minutes disentangling themselves from each other. Jason inspected his clay piece, which had a nice long crack in it; a mug _is useless _with a long crack in it.

"What. Were. You guys. Doing?"

Piper smacked Leo in the arm and answered, "Looney Tune here was ditching his job _again._"

"I'm allowed a little free-time, _beauty queen," _he replied in a snobbish tone.

"_Not_ when you take the blueprints, yell 'Ha ha ha ha ha!' and run full-tilt _away_ from the boat-in-progress."

"So, Leo," Jason continued, "you then come in here, hoping for mercy, but instead destroy my beautiful abstract art."

"I thought it was a blob." In a moment, Leo yelped another Spanish exclamation and ran full-tilt _out_ of the arts and craft building with Jason hot on his heels. Piper groaned and chased after the two.

Leo allowed himself to be chased in a straight direction to the Long Island Sound. Jason had run out onto one of the piers when he realized that Leo had disappeared into the thin air. He looked around for the crazy child who had been ahead of him just moments before.

"Leo?" Jason called, worried.

"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" Leo yelled with full force. He appeared behind Jason and hopped onto his back. Jason struggled to keep his balance, but Leo waved around and caused both boys to fall into the water (and splash an out-of-breath Piper.)

The moment they broke the surface, Leo grinned, and said, "Welcome to swimming class, Jas."

Jason would have none of this welcoming. He gasped for a breath of life and scrambled back onto the pier before Leo finished his sentence.

"Lesson Numero Uno: We are your friends."

"Contrary to the fact you just tried to kill me?" Jason exclaimed.

Piper explained calmly, "I'm sorry, Jas, for the ruse and for Leo being… Leo." (There's no other way to describe Leo after all) "He's right, though; we are your friends. And as your friends we care about your safety; therefore we have decided to take it upon ourselves to make sure you know how to swim." She asked gently "You don't know how to swim do you?"

Jason avoided their eyes. "Do you know?" he mumbled.

"Oh please," Leo drawled. "Not only do I hold the title of being the camp's only firebender, I am also the camp's only firebending swimmer."

Not bothering to explain to him that he wasn't _technically_ a firebender, Piper said that her dad had signed her up for swimming classes, among other useless courses, when they first moved to California. "So can you swim?"

Jason answered with a small shake of his head.

"Great!" Leo cried. "Let's get started!" He lobbed his shirt and shoes onto the pier, disappeared under the water, and reappeared singing _The Little Mermaid_ at an obnoxious volume that previously had earned him a hard smack from his sister. Jason asked Piper if she was going to swim too.

"Actually, no. I spent the whole morning having my canoe flipped over by Drew. Again. And again. And again. And again. I think it was because-" catching Jason inattentive to his surroundings, she easily pushed him into the water.

Poor Jason floundered in fear before grabbing one of the pier's beams and holding onto it for dear life.

"We have a four month goal to teach you how to breath, kick, paddle, tread, and float."

Jason raised his hand, and Piper acknowledged his question. "Can't I learn how to swim in a safe, dry classroom with a PowerPoint presentation and multiple-choice tests?"

"Nope. We want you to learn how to swim so that if the Argo II mysteriously gets a large hole in it's hull, and we all fall into the Atlantic Ocean, we won't at least have to worry about you drowning."

"You'll have to worry about Leo. Because if there's a hole in the hull and we all fall into the Atlantic Ocean, I'll kill him."

"Leo! Get over here and stop singing Mulan!"

Leo appeared beside Jason and retorted, "It was Tarzan, Miss I-Don't-Watch-Movies. Okay, Simba," he said to Jason, "Let's start with the breathing." He dunked Jason underwater. After a few moments, he had to pull his friend out, spluttering and coughing. "Not bad, Peter Pan. You say this is your first time?"

Piper stretched out on her stomach and reprimanded, "A little _instructions_ first, Valdez. The first thing to remember…"

They taught him the basic rules of swimming (as well as the lyrics to several Hercules songs.) It still took a half-hour, though, to convince Jason to try breathing again. It took twenty more minutes for Jason to actually try again. His friends _tried_ to be patient.

After his attempt, they thought they ought to go into the basics of kicking. The two boys kept inadvertently kicking each other.

"Leo, more over before I kick you in the shins."

"You're not even trying, Tweety Bird. You kick like this." He splashed water at Piper. "Oh, lose the shoes. They'll make you sink faster."

Nearly as fast as a lightning bolt, Jason threw his shirt and shoes onto the pier and resumed clinging to the beam for his life. They tried the kicking again and this time Jason did actually kick Leo in the shin.

Then Jason asked a very important question. "How many fizzrockets went off in your face today, Leo?"

He paused in his Disney singing and thought. "More than 18 and less than 32." Five fizzrockets in the face was an equivalent to a sugar rush and ten was an equivalent to getting high; Jason gave Piper a very worried look.

After Leo floated away on his back, Jason's kicking improved slightly more than his breathing with the help of Piper's instructions.

"Da! Da! Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun. Da! Da! Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun." Leo sang drifting farther away from the pier.

"Morse code?"

Piper looked at him in mock sympathy. "Pirate talk for 'let's start on your dead man's float.'"

"My WHAT?" Someone ran up behind Piper and greeted them. Embarrassed, Jason ducked under water, realized that he couldn't inhale, and came back up gasping.

"Way to go, Jason!" Piper congratulated, ruffling his wet hair. "You've learned how to breathe underwater. What's up, Annabeth?"

"Not much, really," Annabeth Chase answered, staring curiously down at them with her hands on her hip. "I was just practicing for capture-the-flag this Friday. What are you guys doing?"

"We're teaching Jason how to swim."

"We?" the daughter of Athena asked, tilting her head.

Jason slowly let one hand go of the beam and sent a mild electric shock out to where Leo floated like a dead man. Leo made a gargled-gasping sound, and dived under the waves. He popped up next to Jason and smacked him on the arm saying, "BAD Sparky, BAD! What did we say about shocking Uncle Leo?"

"That it doesn't happen often enough!" Jason fired back, smacking Leo in the arm. As they got down to business of a regular ole catfight, Annabeth bent over and whispered to Piper, "So. I get that Jason is good without Leo, and Leo is okay without Jason, but what I don't get is why you hang out with both of them _together_?"

"Because my siblings are worse." Annabeth nodded in understanding. "Hey, Annabeth, do you think you could do us a favor? Can you make sure no one comes by here for a little while?" They looked down at the two impossible boys. "We are going to be here longer than I thought, and a little privacy would be great."

"Sure. Not a problem. As a matter of fact, I need to round up the camp and have a run-down of the rules for April Fool's Day." She thought about the rules. "Which is basically: the prank should not be fatal…" She raised an eyebrow at Valdez. "Um, is he okay?"

Leo squirted water at Jason, who hit him again and answered, "He thinks he is a reincarnation of some Disney character."

Leo put a hand to his heart and said dramatically, "I must find out who was my past life and reconnect with them. Only then, shall I complete The Circle of Life." He sank into the waters.

"Fizzrockets?" His two friends nodded. Annabeth shrugged and waved goodbye, catching a demigod coming down the pier and leading him away from the trio.

"All righty, then. I think we have had enough of breathing and hitting and kicking and hitting for today. Dead man's float, gentlemen?"

"_Look,_ Piper, _look_! I'm treading water!" Leo resurfaced and bit Jason's hand that was holding the beam. "Ow!" He let go and floundered around helplessly before sinking under the waves. Leo caught him and helped him re-grab the beam.

"That wasn't very good treading, mate. Better luck next time!" Jason glared in response.

All in all, they spent two hours going over how to float, another hour on kicking, and a fourth hour on treading. You would think they would have made some progress.

Leo returned to floating on his back, his eyes closed, and his skin all wrinkly. "I think next time will go better, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time," he yawned. "We'll make you into a Michael Phelps in no time, Dumbo. Don't worry."

"Granted you can get me back here," Jason mumbled.

In an uncanny impression of Scar, Leo assured him, "We have our ways." He cackled and continued rambling on in the same voice to himself.

Jason gave Piper a beautiful, heart-breaking pout (one she had been ignoring all day), and asked, "Can I get out now? We're late for dinner."

She stretched her back and said sure. It only took Jason a few seconds to scramble out of the water. He hugged the pier murmuring, "Land. Land!" In a burst of affection, he hugged a surprised Piper, kissed the top of her head, and hugged the pier again.

"I just don't get how you never learned how to swim before. Come on, Leo! It's time to go!"

Jason lay on his back, breathing contently. "I don't really know. I know Romans aren't very fond of water, but… I think whenever I came close to going into the water, I got a bad feeling like I shouldn't be in Neptune's territory or something."

Piper frowned, worried. "So what you're saying is that we could be condemning you by putting you in the water?"

"No. You're condemning me by making me listen to Leo and his singing. Hey, Nemo, is there a song you haven't sung yet?"

Leo grinned up at them. "As a matter of fact," he turned to a deep baritone, "'A dream is a wish your heart makes…'"

"Let's go."

Jason pulled on his shirt and shoes while, Leo returned to rambling on about naiads. Finally, they threatened to have Nyssa come down and clobber him if he didn't get out of the water.

Leo was tugging on his shirt and shoes when a brilliant idea came to him. Muttering crazily, he grabbed Piper by the shoulders and stationed her to a spot ("You would clobber me if I made you the warthog") and he moved Jason behind Piper ("You're Simba, so remember you get older") and then stood between the two and began belting out what could only be The Lion King.

"He's kidding, right?" Jason mouthed to Piper. She shrugged, unsure what to do.

"Come on, guys! You have to sing and look bare nesscessital. It's the only way to cross the waterfall."

"Okay, from here on out, you are restricted to _solely_ woodwork. No more fizzrockets for you!"

"Only if you sing," Leo coaxed.

The two who were still somewhat sane shrugged at each other. After all, not everyone had a friend who was a reincarnation of Disney. Knowing they looked like complete fools, Piper, Jason, and Leo sang their way off the pier and towards the pavilion. Hakuna Matata.


	2. The Psychiatrist's Comedy

**The second short story in this mini-collection. Percy and Grover bond for an afternoon; a few awkward moments, if I may say. Comment if you like or if you have constructive criticism. As always it's not meant to be taken too seriously; I hope you enjoy it! And all rights are reserved to Rick Riordan.**

The Psychiatrist's Comedy

You know a man has life figured out when he has delicious junk food within reach, a place to put up his feet, entertainment on loud volume right in front of him, and a comfortable chair to sit in. Percy Jackson did _not_ have life figured out, not even by a long shot, but he certainly looked like he did as he lounged in a wooden rocking chair on the porch of Camp Half-Blood's general store. By moving it a few inches forward, he could put his feet on the wooden railing in front of him; if he leaned back, he could grab an ice cream bar or Popsicle from the outdoor fridge, and if he sneezed, he wouldn't topple over sideways. Life was his form of entertainment, and a gentle wind kept him cool (as a token of gratitude for saving her from scorpions last week.)

Now, when a man has life figured out, generally younger folks who don't have life figured would be drawn to this well-adjusted man to hear his secrets on how to figure out life. Like that old monk who lives on top of the freezing cold mountain, Percy reflected; although, he was probably a good deal more comfortable than the monk. And knowing of this nature of younger-people-who-don't-have-life-figured-out he patiently sat on the porch and waited to give advice to them however terrible or off-key it might be.

The only problem was that _no one seemed to stop by. _Oh sure, tons of campers passed by the store or came in to get something, but not one was drawn towards Percy to hear his secrets on how to figure out life; maybe they knew he didn't have life figured out. How embarrassing! Feeling more and more disheartened, Percy decided on one more Popsicle before taking a nap; in the act of doing so, he heard a distinct pattern of _clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop. _Grover Underwood trudged towards the store with little will or desire.  
"Hi Grover!" Percy exclaimed.

Grover jumped out of his thoughts. "Percy! What are you doing?"

"Oh, the usual," Percy said off-handedly; although, he was secretly very excited to finally have someone talk to about figuring out life.

"Sounds like fun," Grover said politely, knowing well that "the usual" meant eating, being smart-alecky, and avoiding trouble.

"Wait! Where're you going, Grover? Come sit! I can take break from the usual; I mean it'll still be there when I get back, won't it? What's up?"

Grover awkwardly settled himself in the wooden rocking chair next to his best friend. He admired the afternoon life of the camp, as Percy reached behind him, pulled out a Popsicle, opened it, and gave to his friend. Happily, Grover took the wrapper, and handed the Popsicle back to Percy.

"I'm depressed," Grover confessed.

"Did you consider standing on higher ground?" They stared at each other for a moment. "You were saying, my friend?"

"I'm depressed," Grover repeated. "I don't feel like anything that I'm doing is making a difference in the world. I don't feel capable of helping others."

"But you're great at helping others!" Percy exclaimed. Grover just shrugged. "Wow, you are depressed. How's your love life?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Percy waited a moment before declaring, "I have now made myself your self-appointed psychiatrist. Basically, you have to spill the beans. All of the beans."

"But I had pizza for dinner." They stared at each other for moment. "Okay, you can be my psychiatrist. And my love life is okay. But I forgot our something-month anniversary… Perhaps our relationship hit a rough spot." He sunk in his rocking chair as he thought more about it. "A very rough and awkward spot."

"Remain optimistic!" Percy declared. "Optimism is the number one thing that will get you through life's hardships."

"Granted if it doesn't get you killed first."  
"Then remain romantic!" Percy continued, "If the certain woman of your desires scorns your optimism, turn to true romance! Nothing gets to a girls faster than sweet nothings."

"How about a fury like hell hath no scorn?"

"You see, Grover, that's when you go back to plan A, then plan B, then plan A, then plan B, then- okay, you get it. What else is new with you?"

"I'm depressed."

"I'm getting paid by the hour, but let's move on from the obvious."

"Percy, I'm not paying you."

"All of my other patients pay me."

Grover checked around him. "You mean the insects?"

"No, the insects are the IRS." Percy scratched furiously at several bug bites on his leg. "Come on, Grover, please? My mom's birthday is coming up, and I don't know what to get her. Seriously? Do you really think those monks sit up on freezing, cold mountains for spiritual enlightenment?"

"Yes." They looked at each other.

"So, why are you depressed?"

"Work is hard, I don't think I'm making a difference, I don't think I'm helping anyone. I think-"

"Stop thinking."

They were quite for a few moments, and then Grover said, "Percy?"

"Yes?"

"I'm thinking."

Percy laughed. "No, Grover, I mean stop thinking negatively. You are making a difference and you are helping others, you may just not realize it. Some accomplishments are really big like helping out a handsome, awesome, child of the eldest three demigod get to camp, and some accomplishments are really small like telling someone they did a good job. But in the end, they both equal out to the same thing."

"Yeah… I think you're right… Helping Thalia get to camp really was a big accomplishment even if it didn't end perfectly."

Grover had a good laugh at Percy's infuriated, annoyed look.

When Grover settled himself down, Percy came upon a revelation, "Grover! I have figured out the cure for your depression!"

Grover looked around him, then leaned in and whispered, "Perc, you are not really psychiatrist. You can't issue prescriptions."

"This one I can." Percy prescribed this medication in a grand voice. "Grover, in order to start feeling better, you must laugh more often."

They looked at each other for a long moment.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Popsicle?"

"Popsicle." Percy reached behind him, and took out another Popsicle. He opened it and handed it to Grover, who took the wrapper and handed the Popsicle back to Percy.

The sixteen year-old demigod was about to disclose the details of his new solution, when the door of the general store opened and a beautiful Asian girl stormed out. She stood next to the rocking chairs, folded her arms, and glared at the demigod.

"Percy Jackson!" she snapped.

"Drew… I'm sorry, what's your last name?"

Drew ignored him. "It's bad enough that you are lazing around on the porch when you should be at classes, but you aren't even paying for the ice cream bars and Popsicles!" She waited.

"I think she wants you to pay," Grover whispered.

"So, Drew," Percy racked his brain for an excuse, "How about a discount for a super handsome, awesome, incredibly talented demigod?"

"Is your name Patrick Tsui?" Percy shook his head. "Then, no."

He sighed and leaned back in the chair. "Okay, okay. You win. How about I take your bathroom duty and inspection duty in exchange for my pegasi class this week and I get to have as many frozen treats as I like?"

She glared at him, glared at Grover, and then marched back into the store muttering, "And on my shift, too…"

"Scary woman."

"Especially with that pink stuff on her eyes. But Grover, that's what I'm talking about. Life is a comedy. For example, I could be really annoyed that I got double duty on the second-worst jobs in camp, but instead I'm enjoying the fact that I can now have entire freezer of frozen junk food."

"How's that comedic?"

"Chiron says all comedies have happy endings."

"Ah… If life is comedy, all of the reviewers are saying it is about as funny as The Titanic."

"Oh, what do they know? They're stuck in the play, too."

"The other reviewers are saying it's not worth watching."

Percy frowned at the joke. "Tell Hades to mind his own business." They waited for Percy to be swallowed up and crushed by the earth, but all that happened was that Percy's stomach made several comments about its recent diet.

"Fine. Let's look at something a little bit funnier, shall we? Observe the big screen," Percy motioned in front of him.

Grover stared at the nonexistent big screen and watched the entertainment that had been amusing Percy all afternoon.

A couple in the camp's orange t-shirts walked by, arguing.

"How could you say something like that?" the girl fumed.

"But, baby, it was Shakespeare! Shakespeare is romantic," the boy pleaded.

"Not all of Shakespeare's works are romantic, you idiot! Especially what you just said! Ugh!"

Then Travis Stoll and several of the taller Hermes children strolled by carrying a mattress on which Connor Stoll lay on top of, sleeping; they headed in direction of the lake. Clarisse la Rue passed by, carrying an arm load of armor and muttering about how much she hated being grounded. Several girls in red and orange cheerleading outfits tried to cartwheel and make a human pyramid (the emphasis being on the word "tried".) Several kids passed by, lugging a huge wheel on a movable platform. The wheel had been repeatedly marked and crossed out, and its latest words threatened everything from eating a whole fruitcake to being charged by bulls to being eaten by red ants. They offered Grover to try their Wheel of Misfortune, but he kindly declined.

Still more things passed by for review. A group of kids walked by dressed up as Hogwarts students; another kid was dressed up as a pale, noseless dude in black robes, who trailed the Hogwarts students much to their delight. Two girls walked by; one was saying, "And I was like 'Oh?' and she was like "Yeah.' And everyone else was like "Oooohhh' and that's when I hit her." Rachel Dare rode a bicycle recklessly, swerving and veering to avoid campers. She was scattering pieces of paper everywhere, which turned out to be flyers for a concert that Friday. A daughter of Apollo kept walking back and forth, toting musical instruments to a hiding place (so she wouldn't have to participate in practice.) Nico di Angelo happened by, wearing a black shirt that said "Look Alive." He was engaging in a conversation about the shirt with Connor Stoll, who was soaking wet. Behind them were Travis Stoll and the taller Hermes children, also soaking wet.

"I never realized how weird this camp was," Grover mused. "I'm beginning to think we need more peril and danger, so you all will at least look normal to your parents."

Meanwhile, Percy was rolling around laughing so much that he almost fell over the side of the chair.

Grover waited until he calmed down before admitting, "I'm sorry, Perc, but I just can't see it the way you do. Life is too much of a tragedy."

They looked at each other for a moment.

"Oh. You sure?" Grover nodded. "Oh," Percy sighed. "Well… maybe you're right… Life is full of monsters and dying and really stale bread." He sunk in his chair, thinking more on the subject. "It also has a lot of bickering and hunger and stinky teenage fads and-"

Grover had begun to laugh. He began to laugh so hard that he rocked and shook his rocking chair. He clutched his stomach, rolled into a ball, and continued to laugh.

Percy stared at him. "Did I miss something?"

"I don't know, Percy," Grover bleated, gasping for breath. "It's just… It's just, I don't know!... I just feel like laughing."

Percy settled back more comfortably and closed his eyes, while his friend continued to laugh and unwind.

After a while, Percy asked, "You feelin' better?"

"Mm-hmm." Grover settled back, too, and closed his eyes.

"Good! I think you just needed a good laugh… even if it was at nothing."

"Well, honestly, I was laughing at you-"

"Anyway, now that this session has been successful, we need to talk about my payment."

"How about I help you out with the gift for your mother instead? Maybe, you could set up a family picnic in the park. She'll like that."

"Yeah… but I don't know how to make anything other than cereal and smorgasbord sandwiches."

"Oh. Then I can't help you."

They lazed there in the rocking chairs for the rest of the afternoon. They had another ice cream sandwich and dozed and watched people pass by.

"You know, Perce, it must be nice being you."

"Sure. Me and all of my messed up godly family, and crazy powers, and monster attacks, and inevitable deaths, and ADHD, and dyslexia, and doom and peril,-"

"Well, when you put it like that, you're no different than any other demigod," Grover said, a little sourly.

Percy smiled. "Thank you. That's the way I like it."

"All the same, it must be nice looking at life the way you do."

"It is. You should try it sometime."

"I will, thank you."

Towards the end of the afternoon, Annabeth Chase went up to the general store. She was about to go inside, when she spotted the two dozing on the porch. She stood beside Grover, folded her arms, and glared.

Grover shifted and peeped out from behind his eyelids. He started when he saw Annabeth standing there, looking furious.

"Uh, Percy?" Grover nudged him; Percy still had his eyes closed but he grunted in response. "Are you aware that Annabeth is looking for you?"

"Oh yeah," he mumbled, sleepily. "I didn't tell you? I've been sitting here all day because I've been hiding from her."

This was too much for Annabeth. "IN PLAIN SIGHT?" she cried.

Percy's eyes flew open. He sat up guiltily, "Hey, Annabeth."

Grover was of no help; he was too busy laughing.


	3. The Irony of the Situation

**The third short story in this mini-collection. Everyone in camp becomes interestingly intrigued by the same TV show. Not much else happens, so if you don't like it, please say in kind criticism or don't say anything at all. This is not to be taken too seriously, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. All rights reserved to Rick Riordan and the creators of ****Phineas and Ferb****.**

The Irony of the Situation

A fifteen-year old girl with messy, chocolate brown hair carefully picked her way down the steps of the amphitheater. Sitting in the front row were two boys, one with blond hair and one with curly black hair, who had their elbows on their knees and chins resting on their hands; they stared fixedly at the stage.

"Hey, guys," Piper McLean greeted, jumping over the last step. "You wouldn't have any intel as to why my cabin is freaking out like it's the end of the world, would you? I tried asking, but all I got were screams."

"Maybe it is the end of the world," Jason Grace said in a monotonous tone.

"Or maybe they just realized how shrimpy their head counselor was ... OW! Jason, Piper hit me!" But the blond boy simply ignored the whining.

"I feel compelled to worry about you if you can get crippled by a girl. And a daughter of Aphrodite, no less." Leo Valdez promptly stopped his whining, and she sat down next to him. "Does it hurt here, wittle Weo?" Piper crooned sarcastically, touching his arm. He slapped her hand away while grumbling to himself.

"Sssshhh," Jason mumbled.

"What are you two doing, anyway?" Piper asked. Only then did she notice that a giant screen was set up on the ground where the plays usually took place. On the screen a cartoon was being projected.

"We're watching only the greatest show in the world."

"Actually, we were on our way to the lake for one of Leo's 'swimming lessons', but we got thankfully sidetracked," Jason corrected.

"I never would thought that you would be into cartoons. You, Leo, maybe. But Jason?"

"I'm new to it. Now, ssshh!" The last episode had ended, and immediately a new one began. Involuntarily, the boys started nodding along with the theme song and tapping their feet to the beat. Piper thought watching cartoons on a sunny Tuesday was lame, but she also found it amusing to watch the boy's fascination with the screen; she stayed and watched the show with uninterested eyes.

"Hey!" Connor Stoll bellowed. "Reserved seats! Move over!" Surprised, the three moved to the left to make room for him and his brother.

Leo whistled. "That's a lotta snacks. You thinkin' about sharing?"

"Maaaaybe. Probably not," Travis answered, dumping his Leaning Tower of Junk Food at his feet. "This is. Our favorite. Show. Ever," his eyes widened for emphasis.

"And what better way to watch the entire series than on a giant screen and being surrounded by junk food?"

"You're joking!" Piper exclaimed. "This is a kiddie show! You, guys, are… boys…" The four boys were staring at her with incredulous looks on their faces. "And teenagers," she finished lamely.

"Well!" Connor _humph_-ed. "If you don't like it, then you can just _go away_ and leave us to our ultimate _bliss_."

Jason turned to him. "Are you still mad at her for the biscuit thing?"

"Let me put this mildly," Connor whispered when the others resumed watching. "Our oracle painted a picture of the Biscuit-Humiliation-Incident and sold it to a museum. Everyone will soon know of the Biscuit-Humiliation. We. Need. Revenge."

A minute later, a very catchy song came on, making Piper, despite herself, get hooked on to the cartoon. The episode ended, and Leo set to the arduous task of getting the Stoll brothers to "Share… SHARE!" the snacks. None of them noticed a small (ssshh, don't tell him) kid dressed in all black (and a t-shirt that said "Look Alive") make his way down the steps. He sat behind Jason and Connor, and asked, "What are you guys doing?"

"Hey, little devil! What's shakin?" Travis reached behind and shook Nico di Angelo's hand vigorously.

"Where have you been this past month and a something?" The younger Stoll asked, slapping the younger kid's knee.

"Cacti. That's all I'm confessing. Besides, camp's boring without Percy."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Hey, meet the new kids. Jason, son of Jupiter, Leo, son of Hephaestus, Piper, daughter of Aphrodite. Guys, meet Nico, son of Hades." They shook hands, politely, until Nico couldn't resist asking. "Who the Hades is Jupiter? Is he some new Olympian?" Jason… did not have a pleasant look on his face.

"Okay, so when Piper breaks my arm, you tell me to be quiet, but now it's suddenly okay to talk? SSSHHH!"

They resumed watching the show. At one point Nico, doubled over laughing… and then asked what in the world their were watching.

A tall girl with blond, curly hair marched down the steps, stopped, looked behind her, groaned, and continued marching. Following her obediently was the rest of her cabin, who ignored her pleas to leaver her alone.

"Hey, guys" Annabeth Chase said, half-heartedly. It took a few moments for them to pull their eyes away from the screen.

"You look sad. What's wrong?" Piper asked, as the rest of the Athena cabin found places to sit on the bleachers. All Annabeth had to do was jerk her chin towards her sibling and make a face. She joined them, though, in greeting Nico who mumbled something about returning to the cacti.

As it turned out, the children of Athena became less interested in following (and annoying the Hades out of) Annabeth and more interested in the antics that the cartoon characters were doing. They all chuckled at one of the show's running gags, and when a song came on, no one gave any more thought about abandoning the amphitheater.

Annabeth sat with her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands; she felt bored out of her wits, so she grumbled next to Nico, "All this stuff is completely illogical. There is no way anyone could build something that fast. And if the guy is smart enough to build a machine like that than how can he get beat by, what is that? A pl-"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOUR LOGIC-!" Travis roared, but Nico gave him a solid smack across the head.

"Dude, shut up. I just missed the best line."

The next episode title took everyone by surprise (for not every show had an episode about chariot racing), but they didn't get a chance to enjoy all of it. Rumbling, tumbling, and tooting, an ugly red cart stumbled down to the ground level of the theater. Clarisse, who was sporting a fancy red business suit covered in dirt, blood, and tears, was pulling it along. When she finally got it to stop shuddering and shaking, she straightened a wheel, put a bright red flag on top, and stabled a white sign.

"Hear all, hear all, losers! Today only is the Ares cabin offering a Special Spectators Deal. Come buy two medium-sized popcorn," Clarisse held up one for show, "for only twenty-three drachmas, and I'll offer you a small drink for half the price. Pay up front or offer trading jobs. Come on wim-, I mean customers, line up right here!" She gave her best friendly smile, but all she got in return were disbelieving looks.

Behind the audience came a clatter of feet. A very Hermes-like clatter of feet. "Great. What do you guys want?" Connor Stoll asked.

The oldest sister answered miserably, "Our leaders abandoned us for a TV show. The younger kids decide to hold a coup. And now we're stuck watching this show, too."

"Hey, that rhymed!" Nico said.

"Will, the losers aren't buying any," Clarisse snapped impatiently into a microphone on her lapel.

"See, I told you this was a kiddie show."

"Now define kiddie," Jason asked Piper. "'Cause you have to remember we are still minors and that can qualify us as kids."

"Kids who are destined to kick Mother Earth's butt," Piper added. At that point, the Apollo cabin and Clarisse's sibling, carrying charts and pointers and other business paraphernalia, raced down to the ugly red cart to try and save their new business from failing.

"Do you guys smell that?"

"I think that's you, Leo."

"Oh right, I do smell of sweat and dirt. We got ambushed earlier by the Wheel of Life," He told Piper. "I'm going to have plumbing problems all week. However Jason's is worse. He has to act like a Roman!" He threw his head back and laughed.

Leo's yell from being zapped was covered up by Clarisse's rectified business slogan. "Hear ye, hear ye, campers! Come get a half-priced medium-sized popcorn and buy two small sodas for only twenty-three drachmas. Pay up front or offer trading jobs. Line up right here, beautiful customers, right here!" Since the Stolls weren't sharing their snacks, it was better than nothing; the kids lined up like dummies. More cabins filtered into the crowd after a long tiring day of activities. Iris and Hecate's children ran in panting from sword practice. Nike and Tyche and Nemesis' were in the middle of a large argument when they stopped by, curious about the large screen. Demeter and Dionysus and Hebe's were on their way to a relaxing afternoon and ended up squishing together in the back rows. Hypnos' sleepwalked and sleep-watched the show.

Nico hesitantly tapped Jason on the shoulder. "What do you think would make a good name for a black Labrador retriever?"

"Hmmm. Well, think mythological. Zeus, Neptune, Pluto, Theseus, Hercules."

"Perry," Leo cut in.

Nico thought about these original names. "Ody. Odyessus. Hey, Annabeth, I got a new dog."

She had been staring at him, thinking thoughtfully. She asked cryptically, "Ever think about law school?" The Hermes kids hushed them.

"Move!" Clarisse yelled. Several campers hastily squashed together to make room for the now-rich Ares and Apollo kids.

When the next episode of the marathon started, several campers, including the babies in Hermes, started singing the theme song. A campfire feeling began to perpetrate the crowd; everyone yelled out the last line, "-are starting their own title sequence!"

More demigods looked down onto the crowd from the entrance and wondered to one another, "What's going on?"

However, the children of Aphrodite did not wonder. Led by Drew, they strode purposefully through the crowd and up to the Stoll brothers. Before Piper could manage one word of a question, Drew slapped Travis across the face and delivered another ringer to Connor. Piper, Leo, Jason, Annabeth, and Nico fell over giggling.

"That-" "SSHHH!" Katie Gardner cried, leading some of her siblings down the steps. Perhaps she wasn't so upset because she couldn't hear the cartoon, as she was upset that Drew had just slapped someone she liked (And no, not the one whose name starts with a C and hits on every other girl in camp.) The Aphrodite children sat down in the first row. "How dare you?" Drew hissed. "You destroyed three weeks worth of recording of the best drama series this country has ever produced. And yet you have _the nerve_ to sit here and watch your silly cartoon?"

"We had to do that," Travis protested. "Where else were we suppose to get tapes to record all the episodes of Phi-"

"So this why they were upset earlier," Piper mused.

"You're a really bad head counselor, you know that?" As if on cue, a gold-colored crumpled ball hit Leo on the head and landed in his lap. It turned out to be a sheet of crumpled metal with charcoal writing on it; on it Leo's siblings berated him for being MIA the entire day. He turned around and began pantomiming with his hands and trying to put all the blame on Jason.

"You know, Piper, I don't know why, but I keep getting a feeling that one of us isn't going to be on that quest this summer," Jason confessed, over Leo's pantomiming

Piper thought about this. "That's probably because Leo's a cheesebrain and he'll forget to board the ship. Leo, Travis, and Connor all kind of hate me right now because I can I beat them up. So they might do something stupid like trying to get revenge. But you'll probably be tied down to the ship because you're the one that started this whole thing and no one really likes you because of it." She gave Jason a smile to assure him that she was teasing.

"We're going need more merchandise," Will Solace said to his business associate; he nodded in the direction of the last few campers coming in and taking their seats.

"Put a cork in it. Are you watching this?" Clarisse's eyes were almost bugging out in amazement.

Nico tapped Travis and Connor's shoulders. "So how does it feel to get your date with each other and a giant screen completely crashed by the entire camp?"

"Well, it was either the campers or monsters, and, personally, I'd take the campers; they can at least appreciate a good cartoon."

…

Chiron wandered around the beach and the cabins, wondering where everybody was. At some point he crossed the amphitheater, and heard talking and laughing and singing. _Now, what's going on here?_ He thought. Chiron became more concerned as he made his way through the crowd and no one gave him a single thought. It's pretty hard not to notice a centaur in a sea of kids. When he reached the stage, the activities counselor tilted his head, confused. _The campers are watching a cartoon? And why is that kid's hair green?_

Jason stretched and tried to get feeling back in his legs. "Leo. Something occurs to me. Shouldn't we be working on the boat?"

"Yes."

"Oh… Shouldn't we be doing something productive?"

Leo stared at him. "Are you bonkers?" he cried. "What the Hades is wrong with you? Procrastination forever! If you_ ever_ mention interrupting this beautiful show with _work_ again, I'll bring you to the Olympian court-" Leo received six _thwacks_ to the head, followed by impatient _ssshhh!s. _Chiron winced in sympathy.

"Hey! Down in front!" someone in the crowd yelled. Chiron turned to face the crowd; he had enough.

"All right!" he called everyone's attention. "What is going on here?"

"We're watching an illogical show," Annabeth answered simply.

"It was their idea," Jason and Nico pointed to the Stoll brothers.

"A show?" Chiron repeated dubiously. "Someone told the entire camp to drop all other activities and come watch a TV show?" There was a lot of looking right and left and finally a surprised and chorused "No."

"Are you going to sit down, Chiron? I can't see."

"Okay, campers. Listen up-"

"Chiron, you don't understand," Clarisse stood up. "Nothing bad is going on; we're just watching a cartoon. It's about these two kids and how they try and make every day of summer count. They create lavish projects that always end up disappearing because their pet platypus is actually a secret agent who battles with an evil scientist every day. Also, the two stepbrothers' older sister continually tries to prove to their mother that the brothers are creating these amazing things in their backyard. It's clean, wholesome, and full of great music." Every single camper was staring at her in complete shock. "What?" she said, defensively. "Just because I can break your bones, doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good cartoon."

"Let me get this straight-"

"Are you going to sit down?"

"Watch it, Jerry," Chiron just about snapped. "Let me get this straight." He rubbed his temples. "You all are here. Doing absolutely nothing. Except watching a show. About kids who do everything possible under the sun?" A wave of nodding heads answered his question. "Now that's just ironic." But he had already lost the crowd's attention, so Chiron had no choice but to move to the side. Behind him the sun disappeared; no one made a move to leave.

"Hey, Connor, Travis. What happens when we finish the marathon?" Piper asked.

"We either watch the whole thing all over again," Travis started.

"Or we go get lives," Connor finished.

Annabeth began, "You mean lives full of monsters-"

"-and ships-" Leo gasped.

"-and swimming-" Jason shuddered.

"-and cabin-leading-" Piper groaned.

"-and cacti?" Nico cried.

…

The next morning was cloudy and gray. Chiron took his usual seat at the picnic table. Gazing around, he realized the pavilion looked just like last night: completely and entirely empty.

"I could get used to this," He admitted. He beckoned to the satyrs and nymphs. "Drinks all around!"

…

The Hunters of Artemis ran all the way to the Big House. They had very important and urgent news. The other girls waited on the steps, while Lieutenant Thalia darted inside to find Mr. D and Chiron. While waiting, the girls noticed a lot of campers walking around while whistling, humming, or singing.

"They're not here!" Thalia reported, coming back outside.

"Is it just me, or are all the demigods here singing the same tune?"

"Annabeth!" Annabeth and Travis stopped, and Thalia ran up to them.

"Thalia! Can you settle a little dispute for us? What is your definition of logical? Do you think building a rollercoaster in your backyard in a single day would qualify in your definition?"

"What?... Oh, I don't know. Nico!" She caught his arm as he passed by.

"Can't talk, Thalia, I'm on break." He took a big bite of an ice cream sandwich.

"On break from what?"

"Huh!" he snorted. "Do you think I enjoy the aura of death? You think it's easy being gloomy all the time? I'll tell you, miss. It's. Not." He slipped away from her grasp and walked away with a weird spring to his step.

Forgetting she ever saw that, she ran after her little brother and Leo who were walking by. "Jason!" They both stopped and greeted her.

"Hey, Thalia!" Piper came up behind her. "Leo, I'm supposed to deliver a message for you. Your cabin wants to usurp you."

"Again? They usurp me every other Wednesday. What is_ up_ with my siblings?"

"Oh, Thalia!" Jason said, excitedly. "Guess. What."

"You know about The Very Bad Thing That's About to Happen."

"We're going to buy a platypus after we save the world!" Leo practically squealed.

"And guess what we're naming him," Jason grinned. She rolled her eyes expecting the worse. "Mervin!" The three friends wandered after the direction of the happy son of Hades. Thalia returned to where the Hunters waited.

"Well?" one of the hunters asked.

Thalia shrugged, helplessly. "I have no idea what's wrong with this camp… Hey, what's that big screen over there for?"

Curious, the girls wandered over to inspect the world of triangular kids, green-haired Brits, and platypuses in fedoras. It was an amusing and satisfactory find.


End file.
